Recent photos

Isaiah's last LP

Isaiah had his last lumbar puncture on Wednesday.  He will no longer receive intrathecal chemotherapy.  It was a big day.  We celebrated afterwards with pizza and a smoothie at the hospital.

Enjoying life

Things have been going very well these last couple weeks.  Isaiah returned to school on Monday and is doing very well health-wise.  I was a bit worried about how he would adjust to going back to school full time after being home for so long.  Fortunately, he is doing very well and is happy to be back.  He was so excited to bring Madame Souris (his teacher's stuffed animal) home this weekend.  I'm so thankful that he has such a great teacher this year.  There's nothing more comforting than knowing your child feels safe and loved at school.  He really loves her.  He told me that she has a bucket full of special things for outside exploration and that "she even has magnifying glasses mom!  We should get a magnifying glass!"  He said that the whole class got to chase her and that "she's really fast, even faster than you mom."  I just love that he's telling me about his days (did not do this in the fall).  He seems so happy and grown-up.  We've been organizing a few play dates for him as well to help him ease back in to school.  Today, he had three boys over.  It was wild in this house but they had fun.
It's been nice spending time with Adam and Victoria while Isaiah is at school.  Adam is so different without Isaiah around.  He's so quiet and calm.  He's actually a lot like Isaiah was.  He loves to draw, build puzzles and be my special helper.  I'm thankful for this time with him.  He's so well-behaved and loves to please me with special drawings, wiping up dust, cleaning up toys and giving me flowers.  I love him so much and realize that he needs more one-on-one time with me.  He thrives when I'm giving him my full attention.  He's sort of the stereotype middle child and often gets lost in the crowd.  I think that's why he always shouts when he speaks.  All his conversations begin at a very high volume.  I'm constantly telling him to lower his voice.  At one point, David and I were wondering if he had hearing problems.  He doesn't.  I'm trying my best to create special moments with Adam.  I don't want him to be the stereotypical middle child but I see it happening.  Isaiah has had a lot of attention with being the first child and having so many health problems and Victoria naturally gets a lot of attention for being the youngest.  On top of that, we've been giving her extra attention to ensure she bonds with us.  So you can see how Adam can easily become that middle child.  This week, I let him pick out some new paints.  We love to paint in this house and can't wait to paint something special.

Adam being Adam

Victoria is still as cute as ever.  She loves pointing at the sky, trees and birds, all of which she refers to as "ba".  She also says "dada".  When I told her to say mama, she shook her head and said dada.  It's adorable.  She is taking more steps and is still very curious...sometimes a little too curious.  Two weeks ago, she was emptying my can cupboard and dropped a can on her toe.  The nail turned purple.  Poor girl.  She's still very attached to me and gets very jealous if the boys are sitting on my lap.  Whenever Adam sits on me, Victoria comes up to him and pinches his legs.  She also weazles her way onto my lap and continues pinching Adam to get him to leave.  She's very possessive.
I love being with the kids so much.  I don't want this time to end.  I just want to freeze these moments.  I love the curiosity of my questioning 5-year-old, the affection from my adorable 3-year-old and the pure love from my precious 1 year-old.  They are all so special.  Mothering has been such a blessed time for me that I don't want it to end.  I just want to have more babies and make it last forever.  But maybe that is only my hormones talking.  Maybe tomorrow when Isaiah is having a meltdown because felt doesn't erase, when Adam wets his pants after refusing to go to the bathroom and when Victoria is throwing all her food onto my carpeted floor (p.s. who puts carpet under dining room tables!?)...maybe then I'll realize that there is a time for all seasons and will be longing for the day when they will be independent human beings.  Who knows what the future will bring?

My happy girl

Home

The docs let us come home late this afternoon.  They covered Isaiah with antibiotics before we left so that if he spikes a fever in the next 24 hours, we won't have to return to the hospital.  If he spikes a fever after 4pm tomorrow, we will have to return to hospital.  Hopefully that won't be the case.

Life at the hospital

Isaiah has been keeping busy at the hospital.  He's been reading, building puzzles, playing Lego and doing some crafts.  His counts were better today so hopefully we'll be able to get out of here soon.  He needs to go 24 hours without a fever in order to be discharged.  His last fever was at 4am so things are looking good.  His temperature is slowly climbing at the moment but he doesn't yet have a fever.

Does it not seem as if I'm posting about the same thing over and over again?

I was feeling so optimistic this week that things were looking up for Isaiah.  I even thought that he might be able to return to school next week.  The inhaler that he was prescribed really seemed to be helping his cough.  Although his energy has remained somewhat low, I was feeling confident that we were on the upswing.

Last night, David and I had all the kids in bed (AND SLEEPING!) by 8pm and were so excited to cuddle up on the couch for a Friday night movie.  The tea was brewed, chocolate was taken from the treat cupboard and we had a great movie picked out.  As exhausted parents, who could ask for a more perfect date?!

Roughly thirty minutes into the movie, I ran upstairs to check all three kids (because I'm a paranoid mom and do this every night - don't judge me...I know all you moms out there probably check your kids when you wake up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night).  Anyway, Isaiah felt a little warm to me so I took his temperature.  Fever.  Again.

I came downstairs to break the bad news to Dave.  Movie was turned off and I packed my bag for the hospital.  Once we got to emergency, everything was very routine.  I was expecting that we'd be sent home after his dose of antibiotics, since this was the case for the past few weeks.  However, because he was neutropenic, we were admitted.

I had a good cry last night and feel much better today.  Unfortunately it was the oncologist-on-call who was the lucky recipient of my emotional eruption.  I feel like I've handled myself pretty well for Isaiah throughout his journey and have remained strong, but there are definitely those moments (away from Isaiah's ears and eyes) where I feel overwhelmed, especially now with him not having had a healthy week since November.  Despite the anguish I feel as a mother of a sick child, I do feel blessed with the life God has apportioned to me.  

God's purposes for our lives aren't always accomplished in the victories.  Sometimes His will must be accomplished through our tribulations.  Ultimately, God is not concerned about our momentary happiness but our eternal joy.  That joy can only be experienced in relationship with Him and I'm reminded of that during the difficulties of life.  There are never any guarantees in this life.  My hope remains in Jesus and it is toward eternity where I have fixed my eyes.